Monthly Archives: May 2016

A Bane of Creative Minds

“You’re going to school whether you like it or not!”

“I hate you!”

Her eyes lifted from her work as the ignorant neighbors below her continued their yelling match. Would she ever get any peace? The price she had to pay for apartment living, she supposed. She bent back over her short story in progress.

The front door below slammed closed, jarring the entire building.

She braced her desk like an earthquake had rumbled the state. A scowl formed. Was that neccessary? She glanced at her mug on the bookshelf to her right. There was a reason no drinks were allowed on her desk. Who knew when a slamming door would knock it over, spilling coffee all over her work. Let alone her own clumsiness. Pausing a few more seconds, she returned to the page.

The door slammed again.

A sharp breath escaped her. She glared out the window while the mother/daughter pair got into their car and abruptly closed those doors. How inconsiderate could people be? She wanted to yell at them. Scream at them they were ruining her creative mood. Did they know how hard it was to slip into a total zone of creativeness? She didn’t think so. Not that she thought highly of them to begin with. She watched the car pull away. Tried focusing for the third time.

The two ankle-biters below began barking.

Her eyes lifted once more. Seriously? She hadn’t intended on listening to music, but she had to, now. Once the dogs barked, nothing would shut them up. She had half a notion to leave a menacing note on the downstairs neighbors’ door. Telling them to shut up their dogs or she would. But what good would that do? With a sigh, she placed her headphones over her ears and cranked non-lyrical score music. “Just another day in the life,” she muttered to herself.


People and the Wind

People come and go
Much like the wind
Sometimes good ones
Stay and sometimes
Good ones leave
Many times bad ones
Stay and many times
Bad ones leave
Just like the wind
It’s all transparent
We waste more time
Worrying about people
When we need to let
Them go on the wind
Everyone will do
Their own thing
Fret not over their actions
Why should you worry
Take care of yourself
Do what feels right
To you and you alone
Don’t pay mind to
People who come and go
Much like the wind


Rose Fae

Here’s a little something I did for personal art therapy. It’s been awhile since I’ve played with oil pastels and India ink, so those were the mediums I chose. And, yes, I chose a rose and fairy wings for my pen name.

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A Personal View of Depression

bravery

I’ve been struggling with depression off and on for many years. Even before I wanted to be a writer, writing down my feelings has helped me deal with them. While, now, I’m in more of a “stressed” phase than “depressed” phase, these words needed to be released. Otherwise, my brain would constantly dwell on them. So here they are, in raw passion, unedited and most likely scattered. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re struggling with depression or stress, as well, this can help you find your own words to help with your feelings. It is one of the worst things we can go through alone, and I want to give something that people can relate to at the very least.

 

So far, I have woken up every morning. Many times, I wonder why. Surely my life can’t mean that much; even if eveyone around me tells me they love me. Every morning, I put my feet on the floor. Though I don’t feel anything solid. I feel like I’m forever falling. Forever falling into a bottomless pit of darkness filled with ravenous monsters eager to devour my soul. There are days, hopeful days. A few days where I feel like a warrior clad in impenetrable armor. I fight the darkness the entire day. Even if a part of my brain is scared of the darkness. I don’t know what lies ahead, what challenges I’ll face, or the monsters that will confront me. There is a fear of the unknown.

And that’s all it takes. That simple ounce of fear sends me sliding back toward the monsters. The majority of the time, I’m not as impenetrable as I believed. Stress finds its cracks and seeps under my skin, causing me pain. Then I wonder. What am I doing wrong? Rather, what is wrong with me? Am I the monster? Am I the one who needs to be destroyed? All I do is cause pain to those around me. I take up their time. I can’t bother them with my problems when they have their own. Who wants to listen to me whine? Surely that’s how they view me. As a pathetic baby who can’t handle life.

So I let myself fall. The majority of the time, I willingly walk back into the pit. Even though there’s nothing but darkness and solitude, at least it’s familiar. In a way, the cold is comforting. It’s something I know, something I can always go back to. Yet, my heart knows it’s wrong. Wrong to retreat. Is that what I’m doing? Retreating? So now I’m a coward. Another name to add to my mental insults. No one is more judgmental of me than me. Look at me. I’m not worth anything. Then I’m told I’m worth everything. But how can I believe something like that? I’m too far gone.

The pit seems friendlier than friends and family. Despite the monsters waiting for my soul. Some days, I try for the light. Most days, exhaustion leads me to darkness. And I follow. Why should I fight? I might win a handful of days, but I always end up right back where I started. At the bottom. Surrounded by darkness. Closed in by monsters. Though I wonder if I’m the monster. Or are they the feelings inside me? I care not to know anymore. I’m stuck in the middle of my feelings. And I’m done. Done fighting, done giving up. It’s hard to explain. I’m just done.

I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t know what’s right or wrong, don’t know what’s light or darkness. I don’t know if I want life or death, heaven or hell. I just want to be done. Done with the aches and pains. Done with the constant mental distress. Even when I have good days, all I count are the bad days. I want to stop. I don’t know how. I’m in a perpetual cycle of negative feelings. Even when I have everything to be positive about.

All I see, think, hear, feel is negative. I don’t understand how to make a positive. I’m convinced my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to messed up, broken inside. Nobody wants me even though everybody does. How do I know they want me? How do I know they really don’t see me as a burden? Words can mean everything or nothing. How do I know? I don’t. I’m running in circles, repeating myself. I’m a broken record. My body, mind, and soul are tired. I want to be done.


Haiku Compilation VI

Warmth of morning sun
As I pace and ponder words
Penning down haikus

Tiny sized stories
Not always meaning to rhyme
The depth in poems

Crisp pages turning
Living stories in my head
Books are my best friends

Wind brushing tree leaves
Flames reaching ever higher
Camping under stars

Liquid hot to taste
Warm sensation fills me whole
Coffee in my mug

Flowers bringing joy
Planting away stress and strife
Garden soothes the mind

Drops on the glass pane
Moist earth permeates the air
Fresh dew gracing grass

Dig for sand treasures
Message in a clear bottle
A lost cry for help


Haiku Compilation V

Illustrious words
Do I need to be profound
To make an impact

Don’t need clever mind
Nor divine inspiration
To be creative

Is the mind simple
How do we distinguish thoughts
Arid works of brains

Never stop progress
Who are we to change futures
Nothing set in stone

Answers could be known
It cannot be that simple
Figure out yourself

What is in a name
Everything I am afraid
For many names called

Whisper untold lies
Words slandering each other
Battlefield of hate

Destroying all foes
We will be victorious
Fighters don’t give up


Haiku Compilation IV

Society bland
Supremacy will stumble
Down with the madness

A red moon rises
The annual massacre
Crimson stain floods earth

Falling from the sky
Righteous death by licking flames
Brimstone raining down

Foul stench floats through air
Drawing out weak and weary
Death surrounds us all

Death approaching fast
Let the reaper come for you
Darkness is ahead

Follow me with ease
Come with me into the pit
Let yourself darken

Memories erased
Metal blood consuming flesh
Rise of the machines

Living clockwork soul
Copper gears churning out thoughts
Steam powered body


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