A Personal View of Depression

bravery

I’ve been struggling with depression off and on for many years. Even before I wanted to be a writer, writing down my feelings has helped me deal with them. While, now, I’m in more of a “stressed” phase than “depressed” phase, these words needed to be released. Otherwise, my brain would constantly dwell on them. So here they are, in raw passion, unedited and most likely scattered. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re struggling with depression or stress, as well, this can help you find your own words to help with your feelings. It is one of the worst things we can go through alone, and I want to give something that people can relate to at the very least.

 

So far, I have woken up every morning. Many times, I wonder why. Surely my life can’t mean that much; even if eveyone around me tells me they love me. Every morning, I put my feet on the floor. Though I don’t feel anything solid. I feel like I’m forever falling. Forever falling into a bottomless pit of darkness filled with ravenous monsters eager to devour my soul. There are days, hopeful days. A few days where I feel like a warrior clad in impenetrable armor. I fight the darkness the entire day. Even if a part of my brain is scared of the darkness. I don’t know what lies ahead, what challenges I’ll face, or the monsters that will confront me. There is a fear of the unknown.

And that’s all it takes. That simple ounce of fear sends me sliding back toward the monsters. The majority of the time, I’m not as impenetrable as I believed. Stress finds its cracks and seeps under my skin, causing me pain. Then I wonder. What am I doing wrong? Rather, what is wrong with me? Am I the monster? Am I the one who needs to be destroyed? All I do is cause pain to those around me. I take up their time. I can’t bother them with my problems when they have their own. Who wants to listen to me whine? Surely that’s how they view me. As a pathetic baby who can’t handle life.

So I let myself fall. The majority of the time, I willingly walk back into the pit. Even though there’s nothing but darkness and solitude, at least it’s familiar. In a way, the cold is comforting. It’s something I know, something I can always go back to. Yet, my heart knows it’s wrong. Wrong to retreat. Is that what I’m doing? Retreating? So now I’m a coward. Another name to add to my mental insults. No one is more judgmental of me than me. Look at me. I’m not worth anything. Then I’m told I’m worth everything. But how can I believe something like that? I’m too far gone.

The pit seems friendlier than friends and family. Despite the monsters waiting for my soul. Some days, I try for the light. Most days, exhaustion leads me to darkness. And I follow. Why should I fight? I might win a handful of days, but I always end up right back where I started. At the bottom. Surrounded by darkness. Closed in by monsters. Though I wonder if I’m the monster. Or are they the feelings inside me? I care not to know anymore. I’m stuck in the middle of my feelings. And I’m done. Done fighting, done giving up. It’s hard to explain. I’m just done.

I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t know what’s right or wrong, don’t know what’s light or darkness. I don’t know if I want life or death, heaven or hell. I just want to be done. Done with the aches and pains. Done with the constant mental distress. Even when I have good days, all I count are the bad days. I want to stop. I don’t know how. I’m in a perpetual cycle of negative feelings. Even when I have everything to be positive about.

All I see, think, hear, feel is negative. I don’t understand how to make a positive. I’m convinced my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to messed up, broken inside. Nobody wants me even though everybody does. How do I know they want me? How do I know they really don’t see me as a burden? Words can mean everything or nothing. How do I know? I don’t. I’m running in circles, repeating myself. I’m a broken record. My body, mind, and soul are tired. I want to be done.

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6 responses to “A Personal View of Depression

  • Daydreamer

    When you hit the bottom, you can either sit at the bottom or go back up. Personally I found that when I am weakest, that is when strength comes, whether I am crying out to God, or that I am done feeling negative and sober, and I want to break free. I want to rebel against anxiety and fear, and I think you can too. I think that if we all chose to rebel against fear, it would influence less and the things that have always felt scary wouldn’t be scary anymore.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Ashley

    I struggled with depression for three years and never really told anyone. I faked the smiles and the laughs and made everyone believe I was happy when I wasn’t. I felt like a burden, I felt like a waste of space, and I felt like no one would miss me if I was gone. After being bullied and abused for years, I tried to commit suicide. It was such a hard time in my life because I wasn’t clinging to the one thing that could make me better. God. I was so ashamed of myself and I felt like I couldn’t seem him out because I didn’t want him to see what I had become.. As if I could hide anything from Him. The night I tried to commit suicide, I crawled into bed sobbing and I just cried out to Him to help me. It literally felt like His arms had surrounded me and He began healing my brokenness and my hurts that day. It’s been almost nine years since then and I’m a completely different person now. I fought against depression and won, but only because I had Christ on my side. Every now in then, old thoughts will creep back into my mind of sadness and worthlessness, but I know they aren’t true. When this happens, I start praying and listing every good thing I have in my life. Satan likes to plan lies in our heads about who we are and about who God is. But that’s exactly what they are.. Lies. No sin is too great, no person is too broken to be loved and healed by God. I no longer struggle with depression, but anxiety is still present in my life. In comes on suddenly when I’m least expecting it. My heart begins to race and I start struggling to breathe. Every time this happens, I begin praying for help and relief. While having anxiety sucks, I know I’m never alone in it. It says so right in the Bible. “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” “I am with you always until the very end of the age.” “Cast all your anxieties on Him for He cares for you.” How thankful I am to God for helping me conquer this day after day. I couldn’t do it without Him!

    Liked by 1 person

    • rosefae20

      There was a time when I was going to commit suicide, too. I was going to take enough sleeping pills to fall asleep and never wake up. I remember feeling so alone as I tried twisting off the cap. It wouldn’t open, and I felt a gentle hand pushing mine down, guiding me to put it back. It was one of those moments where I really felt the presence of God. Though, I admit, I now let stress and anxiety block His comfort, especially when I need it most. Sometimes, I blame Him instead of thanking Him for how He’s helped me, and the people He’s put in my life. Even though Jesus says to give Him our burdens, sometimes I feel like I’m burdening Him, as ridiculous as that sounds. There’s nothing more I want than to be free of my stress and strife, and I think I realize it boils down to trusting the One who I’ve somewhat set aside. It is true. He never leaves us, and He would never forsake us. I think it’s even reiterated three times to make the point clear. But thank you so much for sharing with me. 🙂 Testimonials are one of the many blessings we have to help others. Thank you.

      Like

  • LionAroundWriting

    Strong write.
    Depression is a horrible beast and you summed up the feelings well.
    There is usually a reason for it, but often not something blatant. Accepting that it is ok to feel that way is one major step.
    Wishing your clouds to part asap.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rosefae20

      Thank you. I feel like a lot my depression has stemmed from stress and anxiety that I haven’t always known what to deal with. But even when I was a preteen, writing has been my escape. I’ve created some dark stuff over the years, but it’s helped immensely. If I’ve never known what to do with feelings, I write them down. It forces me to look at them and reflect. I think writing is an underrated tool when it comes to helping people deal and fight things like depression.

      Liked by 1 person

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