A Plea Against Suicide

Good afternoon, readers. I hope you’re prepared for a more serious post. At work today, I was told an extremely heartbreaking story about someone’s friend who just killed herself, and no one knew she had any unhappiness in her life. I know it’s not suicide awareness month, and I know this is something that gets spread around a lot, but it really can’t be stressed enough. Please talk to someone if you’re feeling depressed, hurt, lost. Please find that one person who you can bear your soul to. It cannot only save your life but also somebody else’s.

I know it’s hard. I know you want to seem happy and perfect because that’s what social media wants. And it’s so easy to put on a mask. I know it feels good to hide behind that mask because you’re afraid to even look at yourself in the mirror because you don’t know who you are anymore. I know how much effort it takes to pretend like you have everything going right in your life, and by the end of the day, you’re so exhausted you dread the next day. And the day after that. And every day after. I know how hard it is to be completely vulnerable with someone because you’re afraid of how they’ll look at you when you’re done explaining yourself.

I know it’s hard. I know you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re afraid you’ll only burden them with your problems. Let me tell you. Out of all the people I’ve talked to in my life, there’s always been at least one person who’s never pushed me away because of my feelings. It wasn’t always the person who I thought it would be, but there is always someone. Because you’ll be more of a burden to them once you’re gone. Because they will blame themselves for your death. They’ll wonder why they couldn’t see your sorrow and torture themselves with what they could’ve done and what could’ve been.

I know you want to say it doesn’t matter because the sun will still rise, and the stars will still shine. Maybe they will. But the ones who loved you will never look at them the same way again because their eyes will be red and dry from the amount of crying they’ll never be over. I know you want to tell yourself no one cares because no one understands. When in all reality, they have no idea because you’re pushing them away so they’ll be happy. I know the demons taunt you every waking moment of your day. I know the darkness spins inviting lies to join it.

I know it’s hard. I know you think things will be better for everyone if you’re gone. But things will only be worse. Heaven may have another angel, but Earth will be without one, and we need all the angels we can get on this rock. I know it sounds easy just to rid this place of yourself. I know you think it’s convenient. But it’s not. No matter what you think, you’ll be robbing at least one person of someone they love. You’ll be robbing yourself of a chance for an amazing life where you could help someone who’s going through the exact same thing you are now.

Humans aren’t as unique as we think. We all suffer from the same type of things; we just need to reach out to someone. To anyone. Please reach out. Find that one person you know you can trust and ask them for a few minutes of their time. They will give it to you. Someone will be there. You’re not alone with your feelings and thoughts. You’re never alone.

I know it’s hard. I really do. I’ve been through the same things. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve been on the meds. I’ve spent years crying myself to sleep every night. I’ve cut myself. I held knives close to my heart. I’ve wrapped my fingers around the handle of a gun. I’ve prepared myself to run my vehicle off the road and into a body of water. I’ve sat with a concoction of pills. I know what’s it’s like because I’ve been there.

And I didn’t magically get better. I didn’t correct myself overnight. It does take time. But I promise you, it does get better. I get to see that sun rise every morning with my own eyes. I get to see the stars shine even through the blackest night. It takes time. It takes patience and understanding with yourself. Every time I’m in a lowest of lows, I tell myself I don’t want anyone to feel the way I feel. That if anyone feels this way, all I want to do is help them. Be there for them, be a shoulder to cry on, just be a listener. Because all we need sometimes is for someone to listen. We need that reassurance we’re not alone. You’re not alone. I promise you; you’re not alone. So please.

Please find someone who you can talk to. Even if it’s just one person. Forget the masks. Forget this idea you need to portray yourself as perfect. Forget everything except yourself. Take care of yourself. Don’t let you be beaten by you. Find someone. And live.

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Winds of Change

I want to start this Memoir Monday off by saying I may be a tad more emotional than normal because I’m currently in pain, and I don’t deal with pain well. (I have severe chronic migraines, and I’m currently dealing with one.) However, the topic of change is one I’ve been thinking about for some time now.

We all face change, whether we want to or not. It can be good; it can be bad. Life can be boiled down to change and learning how to deal with said change. Often times, how we decide to deal with it shapes who we ultimately become. Depression and anxiety comes from change but so can happiness and joy.

Recently, I’ve been having to prepare myself for changes I’m not quite sure what to do with. I have a history of not dealing with change well. At all. As much as I like spontaneity in my life, I also like things a certain way. I get rather upset when something doesn’t fit into my pre-made mold of how I think my life should be. It’s a daily struggle.

I also have a habit of being a control freak. And we all know change isn’t something we can control. Not usually, anyway. Even if we can control how we react to it. Typically, I don’t control my own emotions about it; I just react then deal with the consequences later. Which generally makes everything worse.

While I will do a section on family some time, I just wanted to say now that I’ve always been close to my family, even though we’ve gone through times where we’ve had our differences. I had my teenage moments. My parents will attest to that. However, we were still close. Especially my sister and I. Which all changed, of course, when I got married and moved out three years ago. I’m still dealing with it.

However, depending on how certain events transpire, more change will come. And no matter how much I tell myself I’m ready for it, I’m not. Over the past three years, I feel like all I’ve done is become distant from my family. I feel like I don’t know them anymore or I’m not a part of my family anymore. Which I know are lies made up by my mind, but I still can’t help but wonder. Like I said, I don’t deal with change well, and I’m afraid everything will become even more distant, more…alien.

And this type of change isn’t just happening with my family. It’s been happening with friends I originally thought I was close to. Either my life has changed, or their life has changed, and we’ve become distant. They say things about me they’ve used to never say. I’m finding I don’t know them as well as I used to, same with my family. I don’t know why.

With all this happening around the same time, I can’t help but wonder one thing: have I changed as a person, and is that change bad, since I feel so disconnected from everything? I know we all go through shifts in our personalities as we age, but I don’t feel like I’ve had one in a while. Perhaps that’s my problem. Or am I going through a change in my personality right now and not realizing it? I honestly couldn’t tell you.

I feel like I’m at a loss about everything. I’m afraid to embrace any type of change that may be happening, and that’s most likely the root of my problems. I’m keeping myself stuck in the same rut because I’m afraid to move forward. And I’m afraid to move forward because I’m afraid the looming changes are going to rip away everyone I care about. Even if they’re already slowly slipping through my fingers. I just don’t foresee the changes bringing anyone closer to me.

Again, I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve changed as a person, or if I’m in the middle of changing. I’m afraid, and I just want things to be like they’ve always been.

Wrangling Ideas

My daily driver is a 2006 Jeep Wrangler Golden Eagle. For those who don’t know, the Golden Eagle package was produced only for half the 2006 year. It’s also a dark metallic green with eagle logos and gold accents. But my Jeep isn’t the only reason I’m writing this post for this Freebie Friday because I drive nine miles to get to my morning job. Even though I’m a part timer, I have a set schedule, so I leave my house around the same time every morning.

That being said, I also take the same path to work. No matter if I leave a few minutes early or even a few minutes late, I almost always past an early 2000s Wrangler that’s red, has some diamond plating accents, and silver rims versus my gold ones. But that’s not where the irony ends.

The man who drives the red Jeep is bald with a big, thick beard. I, on the other hand, am bald on my chin and have thick, semi-long hair I keep in a ponytail. Even still, there’s more to my amusement about this situation. I drive nine miles to work at a Home Depot, when there’s one literally down the street from my house. The man drives nine miles to work at Lowe’s, when there’s one closer to the apartment complex I’ve seen him pull out of many times.

Perhaps, I’m just easily entertained (well, let’s face it, I am easily entertained. I flipped out today at work after finding a super miniature padlock I didn’t know existed as product), but this tickles me every single morning I drive and pass the bearded man who drives the red Jeep.

I keep wanting to make some kind of short story out of this. However, I haven’t come up with anything good. I’ve been thinking some type of alternate reality circumstance for the plot? We’ll see if anything comes to fruition. Hmm, I’m not sure. But I’m hoping now that I’ve written this out, I’ll be able to think of something worthwhile.

Freshening Up

Good evening, readers! I wanted to take today’s post to call attention to a couple things.

I changed the theme of my blog, firstly. However, I’m not sure if it’s noticeable when using the app. I know it’s rather simplistic, but for my purposes, I’m rather fond of it. It allows the eyes to stay focused on the content, rather than being distracted by various things. I changed the font for better readability. Especially when it comes to my more lengthy posts. I also simplified the widgets. Again, for less things to be distracted by. I like things that serve purpose and are to the point.

Secondly, I changed the header image and my blog’s…”mantra,” as I’m suddenly forgetting the specific name of the phrase in the header. The picture is actually of castle ruins I had no idea were in my state had until last year. Turns out they’re even in a state park. How I didn’t learn about these sooner, I don’t know, but they were fantastic to see. Nothing as glorious as European castles, yet they were delightful, nonetheless. The “mantra” was honestly something I put together that sounded interesting.

Sorry there’s no “real content” for today. I spent way too long going through various themes then doing the customizing. Two and a half hours or so? I’m indecisive. Regardless, I hope everyone likes it and the changes make my blog more enjoyable. For now, I have to get ready to go grocery shopping. Such is life.

 

Hello, Again!

Good afternoon, readers! I hope this post finds you in good health. If not, then I hope you’ll be able to find something positive to brighten your day. I understand it’s been awhile since I last posted. However, I do have some good news.

I am finally starting to get my life back on track. Can you ever get a life back on track? Well, we’ll see where this train goes. Even if it’s to the crazy station. Eh, who am I kidding? I’m already there.

Two weeks ago, the husband and I went on a much-needed vacation. We went on some adventures, observed some never-before-seen artifacts, and just spent a lot of time sleeping in for once. It was nice. Of course, last week was living everyday in Hell at both of our jobs. Which is typically how it goes coming back from vacation. But it is what it is.

This week, we’re starting off better. I know I haven’t been much for poetry and short stories lately. Any creativity I’ve acquired has been shoved directly into finishing the final revision for my novel, which I’m plugging along with.

I’m not going to promise my blog routine will return this week. However, I will say I’m going to try my best to get back into the swing of things with my blogging schedule. I’m still thanking you for your continued patience!

Pen Name Change

Good afternoon, readers! I wanted to take a moment to inform you I’m changing my pen name. (Again, I know) However, it’s not just a spelling change this time. I’m officially changing my pen name from Rose Fay to Rose Taylor. Here’s why:

Of course, Rose comes from my great aunt who shared my birthday and shared my love for writing, as well as art. Some of you may remember she was taken from my family last October. It took me some time to recover from it, but I know she’s happily tending to God’s gardens while writing and drawing her experiences.

Newly, Taylor is the name of my husband’s little brother who died when he was three months old from SIDS. Even though Taylor passed away two months before I was even born, it’s been on my heart to honor him in some way. Especially since I know how much he meant to his family in the short amount of time his presence graced the earth.

Fay–or how I spelled it before, Fae–has always been nothing more than a fun reference to fairies, fantasy, fiction, and the like. It never held much meaning other than that. In all honesty, the past year or so, I’ve been contemplating a new last name. It’s not that Fay isn’t “professional,” I wanted something more significant. I’m not sure why, but it finally hit me this past Wednesday. I’ve only now how time to get around to the changing everything.

After a heart-felt discussion with my husband, he obviously approved and thought it wonderful I wanted to commemorate his family in such a way. I’ve long accepted his family as another extension of my own. Thankfully, I can say they’re not the “weird in-laws.” They go out of their way to make me feel loved, and they’ve accepted me as another granddaughter, cousin, niece, sister, etc. And I’ve accepted them as more grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, siblings, etc. My husband’s family have been more than fantastic to me, and it’s been a desire of mine to honor their loss in the way I have honored mine.

I promise this is the final time I’m changing my pen name. This will be the official one. Hopefully, you guys will be able to see it on book spines soon!

Quick Update

I know it’s been some time since I last made a post. I promise to soon! The past few weeks, I’ve been helping one side of the family with house projects and moving and dealing with deaths on the other side of the family. Everything’s a bit crazy right now, so my creativity has been low. However, I’ve been trying to make an effort to keep juices flowing. Please be patient with me as I’m fighting for balance. I’ll upload as soon as I can can! Thank you.