A Plea Against Suicide

Good afternoon, readers. I hope you’re prepared for a more serious post. At work today, I was told an extremely heartbreaking story about someone’s friend who just killed herself, and no one knew she had any unhappiness in her life. I know it’s not suicide awareness month, and I know this is something that gets spread around a lot, but it really can’t be stressed enough. Please talk to someone if you’re feeling depressed, hurt, lost. Please find that one person who you can bear your soul to. It cannot only save your life but also somebody else’s.

I know it’s hard. I know you want to seem happy and perfect because that’s what social media wants. And it’s so easy to put on a mask. I know it feels good to hide behind that mask because you’re afraid to even look at yourself in the mirror because you don’t know who you are anymore. I know how much effort it takes to pretend like you have everything going right in your life, and by the end of the day, you’re so exhausted you dread the next day. And the day after that. And every day after. I know how hard it is to be completely vulnerable with someone because you’re afraid of how they’ll look at you when you’re done explaining yourself.

I know it’s hard. I know you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re afraid you’ll only burden them with your problems. Let me tell you. Out of all the people I’ve talked to in my life, there’s always been at least one person who’s never pushed me away because of my feelings. It wasn’t always the person who I thought it would be, but there is always someone. Because you’ll be more of a burden to them once you’re gone. Because they will blame themselves for your death. They’ll wonder why they couldn’t see your sorrow and torture themselves with what they could’ve done and what could’ve been.

I know you want to say it doesn’t matter because the sun will still rise, and the stars will still shine. Maybe they will. But the ones who loved you will never look at them the same way again because their eyes will be red and dry from the amount of crying they’ll never be over. I know you want to tell yourself no one cares because no one understands. When in all reality, they have no idea because you’re pushing them away so they’ll be happy. I know the demons taunt you every waking moment of your day. I know the darkness spins inviting lies to join it.

I know it’s hard. I know you think things will be better for everyone if you’re gone. But things will only be worse. Heaven may have another angel, but Earth will be without one, and we need all the angels we can get on this rock. I know it sounds easy just to rid this place of yourself. I know you think it’s convenient. But it’s not. No matter what you think, you’ll be robbing at least one person of someone they love. You’ll be robbing yourself of a chance for an amazing life where you could help someone who’s going through the exact same thing you are now.

Humans aren’t as unique as we think. We all suffer from the same type of things; we just need to reach out to someone. To anyone. Please reach out. Find that one person you know you can trust and ask them for a few minutes of their time. They will give it to you. Someone will be there. You’re not alone with your feelings and thoughts. You’re never alone.

I know it’s hard. I really do. I’ve been through the same things. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve been on the meds. I’ve spent years crying myself to sleep every night. I’ve cut myself. I held knives close to my heart. I’ve wrapped my fingers around the handle of a gun. I’ve prepared myself to run my vehicle off the road and into a body of water. I’ve sat with a concoction of pills. I know what’s it’s like because I’ve been there.

And I didn’t magically get better. I didn’t correct myself overnight. It does take time. But I promise you, it does get better. I get to see that sun rise every morning with my own eyes. I get to see the stars shine even through the blackest night. It takes time. It takes patience and understanding with yourself. Every time I’m in a lowest of lows, I tell myself I don’t want anyone to feel the way I feel. That if anyone feels this way, all I want to do is help them. Be there for them, be a shoulder to cry on, just be a listener. Because all we need sometimes is for someone to listen. We need that reassurance we’re not alone. You’re not alone. I promise you; you’re not alone. So please.

Please find someone who you can talk to. Even if it’s just one person. Forget the masks. Forget this idea you need to portray yourself as perfect. Forget everything except yourself. Take care of yourself. Don’t let you be beaten by you. Find someone. And live.

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The Sun Will Set/The Sun Will Rise

The sun will set
Ending the bright day
All light fading away
Night no longer held at bay
Demons coming out to play
Yet the sun will rise

The sun will set
Causing endless strife
All the malice running rife
Innocents caught by the knife
Fiends eagerly consuming life
Yet the sun will rise

The sun will set
Bringing senseless pain
All reminders of the slain
Emotions trapping within a chain
Sins uncleansed by the rain
Yet the sun will rise

The sun will set
Encouraging intimate holocaust
All energy has been exhaust
But you can’t give up the lost
You must save them despite the cost
Because the sun will rise

Lanes

Time to take another break from fiction for today. On my way home from work, I saw a sign that read, “If everything is coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.” The more I thought about it, the more  I realized the depth behind it, as it’s a rather multi-faceted saying. It can apply to both the good and the bad in life.

When most people read or hear the above quote, they most likely think it’s referring to the good things of life. Now, don’t get me wrong. Blessings are wonderful things. And I don’t think many of us would still be here if our lives were only negative, all the time. Positives, I do believe, are a must. But what happens when only positive things come our way?

There’s that saying of “too much of a good thing can be bad.” I believe it. Because, if there’s only good, what do we learn? Most life lessons come from experiencing the bad circumstances. In my opinion, how we face and overcome the negative helps shape who we are and will ultimately become. We learn nothing when only good happens to us.

Another bad thing to only receiving the positive side of life is the false sense of security that comes with it. Unfortunately, we are creatures of habit. We fall into routines. Again, blessings are not bad things, but if we never face trials, we never expect them. If I only have good things come my way, why would I think that anything bad could happen to me? Which also leads us to viewing the world through rose-tinted glasses, and we forget that evil exists.

But then comes the flip side of the above quote. The bad things in life. While the ideal world is a perfect world, I think bad things are a necessary evil at this point. We do reap what we sow. And more often than not, we need that harvest to keep ourselves in check. So what does happen when only negative things come our way?

Well, I think this one is a bit more self-explanatory than the positive side. For the most part, I think the negative experiences are crucial teaching tools. Yet, we’ll never remember what we learn if we’re not given time to rest and reflect. Constantly being berated by life wears us out more than anything. If we lose the mental capacity to live, much less think over situations, we still aren’t going to learn anything.

Another negative to the the negative–it often leads to depression. Whether or not people want to admit it. If there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, why would we continue? Again, creatures of habit. We get stuck. Lost in ruts. To the point where it’s not worth even looking for a way out. It is extremely taxing on the psyche. If I’m only receiving negatives, I’m not going to expect positives, and I’m going to stay where I am. We give up.

Regardless of how we view the above quote, I think it comes down to a few questions. What are we doing that’s keeping us in one lane? Or, what choices are we making that’s keeping us in one lane? What are we choosing that’s keeping us strictly in the positive lane? What are we choosing that’s keeping us strictly in the negative lane? Everything comes down to a choice.

And it’s okay. It’s okay to experience the negative, even if all you’ve known is positive. It’s okay to experience the positive, even if all you’ve known is negative. Sadly, our world is not perfect. But balance can be achieved. Good and bad go hand-in-hand. We just have to choose to find the balance, to stay in the middle of the two lanes.

Human Interactions

Silence
Because nobody wants to hear words
Lies
Because nobody wants to accept truth
Masks
Because nobody wants to know realness
Cheerfulness
Because nobody wants to perceive depression
Strength
Because nobody wants to see weakness
Fine
Because nobody wants to attend pain
Pettiness
Because nobody wants to genuinely care
Arrogance
Because nobody wants to admit imperfection
Selfishness
Because nobody wants to observe others
Pedestals
Because nobody wants to seem lower
Distance
Because nobody wants to get close
Success
Because nobody wants to praise failure
Wealth
Because nobody wants to acknowledge poverty
Hatred
Because nobody wants to understand love
Force
Because nobody wants to truly coexist
Life
Because nobody wants to confess death

Forgiveness

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I sat on my bedroom floor, curled up in a corner. Everything falling apart. Tears flooded my face. I was a bad person. I didn’t deserve to be on this Earth anymore. My knuckles turned white around the knife. I would be doing the world a favor if I left. I caused more harm than good by being here. No one would miss me. Everyone would be better off without me.

Throwing my head back into the wall, my chest rose and fell with hard sobs. My body trembled. I looked down at the knife in my hand. It wouldn’t go anywhere. But I needed to go. What purpose did I have on this planet? After all the bad things I’ve done…how could anyone forgive me? Everyone simply acted like they loved me. Nobody needed me. Nobody wanted me.

I didn’t even want myself. I hated me. And if I hated me, certainly everyone else did. I was so pathetic, I couldn’t even make myself bleed. There was no controlling the snot mingling with tears on my face. I was a mess. Had always been a mess. I screwed up everything. Never made anyone happy. Never let myself be happy. All I did was ruin everything. I needed to go.

But I never could go. I watched the knife shake in my hand for an hour. It never went anywhere. It stayed in my sweaty grasp. My depressed sobbing had turned into cries of anger. Why couldn’t I die? Why did I need to live? What purpose did I have other than torturing myself? Could I wish myself away? Could I will myself to death? The knife wasn’t doing me any good. My body went limp from exhaustion. What was I even doing here?

Then I heard something other than the voices in my head. I heard soft crying. I blinked back pooled tears. On the other side of my room was a little girl. Her knees up to her chin, head in her arms. She looked familiar to me. Behind her played blurry, one-sided and biased events. My wall had become a projection screen for her past. Though her past wasn’t quite clear. Sniffing, I rose.

“Don’t you see?” she screamed. “Don’t you see how bad of a person I am?” The events slowly became clearer. “Dont’ you see what I’ve done? I’m a bad person. Nobody loves me. How can anybody love me?”

I swallowed. Beginning to understand. Those events…I remembered them as clear as day. Her past was mine. Everything I had done. Everything that caused me so much anxiety. Everything I couldn’t forgive myself for. All the reasons why I hated myself. My eyes darted over the various incidents. Brimming with tears again until they overflowed. “Can’t you see how bad I am?” she pressed. “I’m a terrible person.”

Dropping down next to her, I held her in my arms. Buried my head in hers. My heart ached for this little girl who carried so much weight. “No…” I barely managed talking through my crying. Squeezed her tighter. “All of those things…just because you did something wrong doesn’t make you a bad person.” I choked. “You’re not evil. You are loved. I love you. And even if nobody else does, I-I…forgive you. I forgive you for the things you’ve done.”

Her head lifted, glistening eyes meeting mine. “Then you have forgiven yourself.” I blinked. “What?” But I studied her. That was why she looked familiar. She was me. The part of my soul I kept buried in guilt and shame. I couldn’t stop crying. It was all sinking in. She smiled. “I am you, and you have forgiven me. You have finally forgiven yourself. You no longer need to carry the hatred for yourself.”

She radiated warmth while I sat in stunned silence. Tears stopped raining down. My heart no longer hurt, and my soul felt lighter. What happened? I looked at the knife on the floor. No longer wishing to take my own life. I blinked again. It had been years of not letting go. And…it was this hard but also this easy all along? She suddenly burst into thousands of glowing particles and absorbed into me. “I forgive you,” she whispered, “I love you. You have forgiven yourself. You have set yourself free.” I whispered back, “I am free.”

Out

Tears flood the floor
Drown me in suffering
Where is the door
I need out
Out of my mind
Blood flows free
Is this even real
I’m on my knees
Begging for a way out
Out from this bind
Sickness takes hold
Darkness covers me
This charade is old
Please let me out
Out of what makes me blind
My demons give chase
Infect my thoughts
Promise death’s embrace
I must find a way out
Out of the evil kind
Another day comes
Everything loops
Beating me as drums
Is there a way out
Out of this grind
Tears flood the floor
Drown me in suffering
Where is the door
I’m desperate for a way out
Out of my twisted mind

A Personal View of Depression

bravery

I’ve been struggling with depression off and on for many years. Even before I wanted to be a writer, writing down my feelings has helped me deal with them. While, now, I’m in more of a “stressed” phase than “depressed” phase, these words needed to be released. Otherwise, my brain would constantly dwell on them. So here they are, in raw passion, unedited and most likely scattered. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re struggling with depression or stress, as well, this can help you find your own words to help with your feelings. It is one of the worst things we can go through alone, and I want to give something that people can relate to at the very least.

 

So far, I have woken up every morning. Many times, I wonder why. Surely my life can’t mean that much; even if eveyone around me tells me they love me. Every morning, I put my feet on the floor. Though I don’t feel anything solid. I feel like I’m forever falling. Forever falling into a bottomless pit of darkness filled with ravenous monsters eager to devour my soul. There are days, hopeful days. A few days where I feel like a warrior clad in impenetrable armor. I fight the darkness the entire day. Even if a part of my brain is scared of the darkness. I don’t know what lies ahead, what challenges I’ll face, or the monsters that will confront me. There is a fear of the unknown.

And that’s all it takes. That simple ounce of fear sends me sliding back toward the monsters. The majority of the time, I’m not as impenetrable as I believed. Stress finds its cracks and seeps under my skin, causing me pain. Then I wonder. What am I doing wrong? Rather, what is wrong with me? Am I the monster? Am I the one who needs to be destroyed? All I do is cause pain to those around me. I take up their time. I can’t bother them with my problems when they have their own. Who wants to listen to me whine? Surely that’s how they view me. As a pathetic baby who can’t handle life.

So I let myself fall. The majority of the time, I willingly walk back into the pit. Even though there’s nothing but darkness and solitude, at least it’s familiar. In a way, the cold is comforting. It’s something I know, something I can always go back to. Yet, my heart knows it’s wrong. Wrong to retreat. Is that what I’m doing? Retreating? So now I’m a coward. Another name to add to my mental insults. No one is more judgmental of me than me. Look at me. I’m not worth anything. Then I’m told I’m worth everything. But how can I believe something like that? I’m too far gone.

The pit seems friendlier than friends and family. Despite the monsters waiting for my soul. Some days, I try for the light. Most days, exhaustion leads me to darkness. And I follow. Why should I fight? I might win a handful of days, but I always end up right back where I started. At the bottom. Surrounded by darkness. Closed in by monsters. Though I wonder if I’m the monster. Or are they the feelings inside me? I care not to know anymore. I’m stuck in the middle of my feelings. And I’m done. Done fighting, done giving up. It’s hard to explain. I’m just done.

I don’t know what to do or where to go. I don’t know what’s right or wrong, don’t know what’s light or darkness. I don’t know if I want life or death, heaven or hell. I just want to be done. Done with the aches and pains. Done with the constant mental distress. Even when I have good days, all I count are the bad days. I want to stop. I don’t know how. I’m in a perpetual cycle of negative feelings. Even when I have everything to be positive about.

All I see, think, hear, feel is negative. I don’t understand how to make a positive. I’m convinced my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to messed up, broken inside. Nobody wants me even though everybody does. How do I know they want me? How do I know they really don’t see me as a burden? Words can mean everything or nothing. How do I know? I don’t. I’m running in circles, repeating myself. I’m a broken record. My body, mind, and soul are tired. I want to be done.