Personal Update

Holy cow, it’s been over two weeks since I last posted, and I have not been very consistent to my daily schedule, have I? Alas, perfection is unattainable to us humans. A concept many try too desperately hard to reach. I, on the other hand? It seems, anymore, I find every excuse not to be perfect.

Dealing with life’s problems makes the greatest alibi.

However, there’s more than just the daily adult struggles that I’ve allowed to hold me back. I have fantastic news!

As you may or may not know, I am in the process of finishing the final revision for my first novel (I hope) to be published. In my mind, I still had to hurtle over a major obstacle known as editing. I’ve heard many authors dread this phase.

I assumed I was required to have someone else edit my manuscript for me before I could pitch it to potential publishers. While the last couple of months have left me lacking in the novel writing department, I’ve been researching the crap out of everything. And what did I find?

Publishers actually prefer if you don’t have your manuscript edited! They want the raw material. This is huge! I have gained so much time and effort I originally planned on sending. This means I’m so much closer to my dreams than I anticipated. Theoretically, I could have my manuscript sent by the end of the year! I’ve been renewed with vigor and motivation. Steadfastly scribbling away the past few weeks.

Honestly, all that remains to do is the end of the revision stage and a final test read.

Now, some of you are probably shaking your heads and mumbling under you breath because this was something you already knew. Here’s a fact: I’m always late to the party. There are long lines in my family that prove this. It’s ridiculous. But hey, you can count on us to arrive late. We’re dependable.

But that’s pretty much a summary of where I’m at right now. Still dealing with crazy life stuff that never seems to give my husband and I a break and burying my head in my novel. I do have works I intend to upload on here. I haven’t forgotten about my blog. Haven’t forgotten about my readers. I can’t promise posts every single day, but know I’m plugging away at what my heart desires most.

And, as always: remember to keep your imagination. For you never know the crazy places it will take you.

 

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Letters to God

I simply don’t understand
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
I’m supposed to be in Your hands
But I feel like I’m being let down

I don’t know what I can do
I’m always in so much pain
I know I need to look to You
But I can’t help turning away

My heart is broken in pieces
I don’t know how to stitch it
All I need is some kind of reason
To understand why You’re doing this

Even with You I feel lost
I find all the wrong roads
Is my eternal suffering the cost
Of you bearing all my loads

I don’t know if You think I’m strong
I honestly don’t know how I can be
But how can You be wrong
Don’t give me the responsibility

I really feel I’m at my end
Every path lies obstructed
I cannot afford to begin again
Not even with what You’ve constructed

You’re supposed to lead me to still waters
Isn’t that what the Bible says
Then why do You let me continue to falter
All of my meaningless days

How do You expect me to fight
When everything exploits my weakness
I really need You to be my light
Because I’m constantly in darkness

I know I’m a sinful creature
Maybe I need to have more patience
When the world has made me its mocking feature
It’s difficult to find endurance

I don’t know what You want from me
Is it wrong of me to ask
Can You please just let me see
Instead of having me wear a mask

Where are You when I need You most
Am I simply not enough
Even when it’s Your name I boast
Please don’t expect me to constantly be tough

There’s few things I understand
Like why do I keep finding the wrong
Please reassure me I’m in Your hands
Please keep me from falling down

Winds of Change (Revised Edition)

“Change is a neutral event, but how we view it turns it into a positive or negative event.” (I’m fairly certain I made this up on my own, but I never know anymore.)

Mondays suck. I think we can all agree. It’s one of the reasons why I never end up posting for “Memoir Monday.” Heck, the last time I posted on Monday was back in June. I did go back and reread it. Let me tell you, the cringe factor was real…I didn’t even make it through the whole post, so I will promptly apologize for that monstrosity. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t write personal posts when I’m emotional.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way:

Of course, I’ve currently been dealing with large amounts of change. It’s been scary; it’s been good; it’s cost some time and brainpower. Do we ever really stop changing, though? In all honesty, I would hope not. I never want to be “stuck” with an area in my life.

As a creative person, I inherently hate routine. I need that spontaneity in my life to keep me sane. Whether it’s going somewhere new on the weekends, taking a different route to work, making a meal I’ve never cooked before. I need fresh, new. It’s the sustenance I crave for the ever-fleeting inspiration.

On the other hand, I like everything to be the same. All the time. Do you see my problem?

We all know change is one of–if not the hardest–things to deal with in life. Sometimes we can easily see what awaits us on the other side, and sometimes we have to blindly stumble through opaque smoke to even get to where we need to go. Sometimes you have time to prepare; sometimes, it happens abruptly.

The abrupt change happened to me a few weeks ago. I got told I was transferring to a new store the day it was my last day. I didn’t even know that day was my last until I had been clocked in for ten minutes. Let me tell you, it sucked. I had no time to say goodbye or even process what was happening. I was completely blindsided. And you know what? It turned out to be okay. I’ve been at my new store for four weeks now, and I work in a virtually stress-free environment, which has significantly reduced my chronic migraines.

Here’s the thing, though. I could still feel sorry for myself for having been forced out of my previous store. I could be blaming people and fighting them to get back to where I once worked. I could choose to not get along with my new coworkers, but why should I? Like I said, my store change has been more than fantastic. Nerve-wracking, yeah, but I got through it. Many worse things could’ve happened. Why look the gift horse in the mouth, you know?

There’s lots of problems my husband and I have been thrust into the past couple weeks. Oh, the days have been long. However, I’m not going to ramble needlessly about them; I know everyone has their problems. They’re simply another aspect of life, but I keep thinking about how I got transferred, and it’s made me realize something:

Change is a neutral event, but how we view it turns it into a positive or negative event.

Yes, I got transferred, but I’m allowing it to have a positive impact on my life. Okay, yeah, my car is semi-broken and has been for two weeks, but I’m fixing it myself, and I’m learning more about mechanics each and every day. I’ve barely had time to work on my novel recently, but you know what, I had been pushing myself so hard for it, a break won’t kill me. I may have had a close friend push me away, but I’ve never felt so free to be myself, and it’s opened me back up to friends I had been subconsciously ignoring. Sure, my family may be moving away from me, but they’re not going that far, and they’ll be much happier in the long run. I do have some extended family that sucks, but I’ve always needed to master how to let certain things (and people) go, so here’s the perfect learning opportunity.

Change may be scary, yes, but it’s not inherently a bad thing. We say we fear change, but do we really fear the change itself? Or are we more afraid of the unknown? We don’t want our lives to change because we know our lives up until the change occurs. We are creatures who are much more comfortable knowing than not knowing. Because what will happen to us when we don’t know what will happen next? To answer honestly, we don’t know. There’s know way of knowing. But we shouldn’t let that stop us.

None of us can afford to stop living our lives because of fear. Whether it be a phobia (like my severe arachnophobia), uncertainty, lack of understanding, or fear of the unknown or change. Change will always happen. It needs to happen in order for us to grow and become better people. We would never learn anything if we were constantly stuck in the same place. We’d never get to experience new friends, cultures, places. We would never learn, and we would become severely complacent, which leads to unrest and its own stress.

Long story short, embrace the change. Face what you think is a storm head-on because it may be the much-needed rain shower to the droughts of your life. Grab on tightly to the sails and ride your boat through the waves because you may end up in an undiscovered paradise. Even when you feel like you’re sinking, you’re not lost. Just a little delayed. Make a new boat. Find a paddle. And row yourself straight to the other side of the uncertainty.

Only you can control how you react to something. Why make it bad when you can make it good? Remember: change is a neutral event, but how we view it turns it into a positive or negative event.

A Plea Against Suicide

Good afternoon, readers. I hope you’re prepared for a more serious post. At work today, I was told an extremely heartbreaking story about someone’s friend who just killed herself, and no one knew she had any unhappiness in her life. I know it’s not suicide awareness month, and I know this is something that gets spread around a lot, but it really can’t be stressed enough. Please talk to someone if you’re feeling depressed, hurt, lost. Please find that one person who you can bear your soul to. It cannot only save your life but also somebody else’s.

I know it’s hard. I know you want to seem happy and perfect because that’s what social media wants. And it’s so easy to put on a mask. I know it feels good to hide behind that mask because you’re afraid to even look at yourself in the mirror because you don’t know who you are anymore. I know how much effort it takes to pretend like you have everything going right in your life, and by the end of the day, you’re so exhausted you dread the next day. And the day after that. And every day after. I know how hard it is to be completely vulnerable with someone because you’re afraid of how they’ll look at you when you’re done explaining yourself.

I know it’s hard. I know you don’t want to talk to someone because you’re afraid you’ll only burden them with your problems. Let me tell you. Out of all the people I’ve talked to in my life, there’s always been at least one person who’s never pushed me away because of my feelings. It wasn’t always the person who I thought it would be, but there is always someone. Because you’ll be more of a burden to them once you’re gone. Because they will blame themselves for your death. They’ll wonder why they couldn’t see your sorrow and torture themselves with what they could’ve done and what could’ve been.

I know you want to say it doesn’t matter because the sun will still rise, and the stars will still shine. Maybe they will. But the ones who loved you will never look at them the same way again because their eyes will be red and dry from the amount of crying they’ll never be over. I know you want to tell yourself no one cares because no one understands. When in all reality, they have no idea because you’re pushing them away so they’ll be happy. I know the demons taunt you every waking moment of your day. I know the darkness spins inviting lies to join it.

I know it’s hard. I know you think things will be better for everyone if you’re gone. But things will only be worse. Heaven may have another angel, but Earth will be without one, and we need all the angels we can get on this rock. I know it sounds easy just to rid this place of yourself. I know you think it’s convenient. But it’s not. No matter what you think, you’ll be robbing at least one person of someone they love. You’ll be robbing yourself of a chance for an amazing life where you could help someone who’s going through the exact same thing you are now.

Humans aren’t as unique as we think. We all suffer from the same type of things; we just need to reach out to someone. To anyone. Please reach out. Find that one person you know you can trust and ask them for a few minutes of their time. They will give it to you. Someone will be there. You’re not alone with your feelings and thoughts. You’re never alone.

I know it’s hard. I really do. I’ve been through the same things. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’ve been on the meds. I’ve spent years crying myself to sleep every night. I’ve cut myself. I held knives close to my heart. I’ve wrapped my fingers around the handle of a gun. I’ve prepared myself to run my vehicle off the road and into a body of water. I’ve sat with a concoction of pills. I know what’s it’s like because I’ve been there.

And I didn’t magically get better. I didn’t correct myself overnight. It does take time. But I promise you, it does get better. I get to see that sun rise every morning with my own eyes. I get to see the stars shine even through the blackest night. It takes time. It takes patience and understanding with yourself. Every time I’m in a lowest of lows, I tell myself I don’t want anyone to feel the way I feel. That if anyone feels this way, all I want to do is help them. Be there for them, be a shoulder to cry on, just be a listener. Because all we need sometimes is for someone to listen. We need that reassurance we’re not alone. You’re not alone. I promise you; you’re not alone. So please.

Please find someone who you can talk to. Even if it’s just one person. Forget the masks. Forget this idea you need to portray yourself as perfect. Forget everything except yourself. Take care of yourself. Don’t let you be beaten by you. Find someone. And live.

Winds of Change

I want to start this Memoir Monday off by saying I may be a tad more emotional than normal because I’m currently in pain, and I don’t deal with pain well. (I have severe chronic migraines, and I’m currently dealing with one.) However, the topic of change is one I’ve been thinking about for some time now.

We all face change, whether we want to or not. It can be good; it can be bad. Life can be boiled down to change and learning how to deal with said change. Often times, how we decide to deal with it shapes who we ultimately become. Depression and anxiety comes from change but so can happiness and joy.

Recently, I’ve been having to prepare myself for changes I’m not quite sure what to do with. I have a history of not dealing with change well. At all. As much as I like spontaneity in my life, I also like things a certain way. I get rather upset when something doesn’t fit into my pre-made mold of how I think my life should be. It’s a daily struggle.

I also have a habit of being a control freak. And we all know change isn’t something we can control. Not usually, anyway. Even if we can control how we react to it. Typically, I don’t control my own emotions about it; I just react then deal with the consequences later. Which generally makes everything worse.

While I will do a section on family some time, I just wanted to say now that I’ve always been close to my family, even though we’ve gone through times where we’ve had our differences. I had my teenage moments. My parents will attest to that. However, we were still close. Especially my sister and I. Which all changed, of course, when I got married and moved out three years ago. I’m still dealing with it.

However, depending on how certain events transpire, more change will come. And no matter how much I tell myself I’m ready for it, I’m not. Over the past three years, I feel like all I’ve done is become distant from my family. I feel like I don’t know them anymore or I’m not a part of my family anymore. Which I know are lies made up by my mind, but I still can’t help but wonder. Like I said, I don’t deal with change well, and I’m afraid everything will become even more distant, more…alien.

And this type of change isn’t just happening with my family. It’s been happening with friends I originally thought I was close to. Either my life has changed, or their life has changed, and we’ve become distant. They say things about me they’ve used to never say. I’m finding I don’t know them as well as I used to, same with my family. I don’t know why.

With all this happening around the same time, I can’t help but wonder one thing: have I changed as a person, and is that change bad, since I feel so disconnected from everything? I know we all go through shifts in our personalities as we age, but I don’t feel like I’ve had one in a while. Perhaps that’s my problem. Or am I going through a change in my personality right now and not realizing it? I honestly couldn’t tell you.

I feel like I’m at a loss about everything. I’m afraid to embrace any type of change that may be happening, and that’s most likely the root of my problems. I’m keeping myself stuck in the same rut because I’m afraid to move forward. And I’m afraid to move forward because I’m afraid the looming changes are going to rip away everyone I care about. Even if they’re already slowly slipping through my fingers. I just don’t foresee the changes bringing anyone closer to me.

Again, I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve changed as a person, or if I’m in the middle of changing. I’m afraid, and I just want things to be like they’ve always been.

The Sun Will Set/The Sun Will Rise

The sun will set
Ending the bright day
All light fading away
Night no longer held at bay
Demons coming out to play
Yet the sun will rise

The sun will set
Causing endless strife
All the malice running rife
Innocents caught by the knife
Fiends eagerly consuming life
Yet the sun will rise

The sun will set
Bringing senseless pain
All reminders of the slain
Emotions trapping within a chain
Sins uncleansed by the rain
Yet the sun will rise

The sun will set
Encouraging intimate holocaust
All energy has been exhaust
But you can’t give up the lost
You must save them despite the cost
Because the sun will rise

Blossoming Morning

The morning begins in midnight blue
A fresh day barely waking
Then light glitters on the horizon
A new color palette making

The sun peeks onto the sky
Bringing forth deserved life
Then filling the world with warmth
Chasing away night’s strife

The midnight blue fades away
Revealing pastels of dawn
Then the floodgates open
The morning in full blossom